Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
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daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Ghosts can’t cut or color their hair; hence they’re supernatural
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Taze me once, shame on you; taze me twice, I’ve snuck back into the zoo
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
