Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
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*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
I’m sure we could imagine what it’s like to be conjoined twins if we put our heads together.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,