Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
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Boss thumbs up’d my despair like a stone cold gangster 💀
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
“We will wed,” I threatened
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
This guy in CVS was FaceTime with his girl and she trying to direct him on what pads to get. He was so lost. I heard what she asked for and put it in the phone camera and she says “thank you girl” without even seeing my face 😂😂😂😂😂