Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
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therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Snapes on a plane.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
“We ride at dawn”
Me headed to the grocery on Thanksgiving eve
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)