Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.

Roombae.

can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands

I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.

GOD: Sharp pincers

CRAB: Thats dope

GOD: Hard shell

CRAB: Hell ya

GOD: Delicious legs lmao

CRAB: Wtf

Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”

[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”

Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary

Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.

My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.

ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.

HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?

ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*

I heard there was a secret cord
You plug it in and you meet the Lord

Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.

Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters

I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”

my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕

The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws

professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid

me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?

SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!

– dogs

Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.

Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.

Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine

Judge: Still guilty.

Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.

HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?

ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.

there should be a crisis hotline to call for anyone who has witnessed me trying to eat a big leaf salad in public

A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.

As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.

[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*

Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.

If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.