Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
You Might Also Like
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Butt weight. There’s more!
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
per my last wtf
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Slamming into a lamppost in a robotaxi, staggering out and calling another robotaxi to the hospital which also immediately drives into a lamppost
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.