Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My birthstone is a sushi roll.

I know

If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.

Because manors.

Interviewer: Describe your current position.

Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.

Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this

Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog

His best quality?

His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.

cop: do you know who the murderer is?

detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead

cop: [obviously disappointed] oh

detective quasimodo: what?

cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important

So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.

Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.

If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.

*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]

“I didn’t come here to argue.”

– people who definitely came to argue.

Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.

Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”

My oldest bra can smoke now.

“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”

I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.

One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet

The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene

#dnd

I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.

DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high

MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious

Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.

I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch

Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.

Watching a movie on the plane? No thanks. Watching my seatmate’s movie with no audio and not understanding what’s going on for over an hour? Yassss.

Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.

Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.

Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.

Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*

[repeat ad infinitum]

*Job interview

Him: Any special achievements?

Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed

H: Alright, you’re hired

M: Really?

H: No.