Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much

[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?

OBAMA: How did you get this number?

This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:

hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.

If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?

Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”

Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”

The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.

Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.

-my cat.

A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.

And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”

I’m so emb-

[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus

Dr Raygun has achieved a feat absolutely unheard of in academia – people are reading her thesis

omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client

You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?

Me to myself

With this onion ring, I thee fed

I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.

I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…

Them: Don’t let someone live rent-free in your head.

Me: They’re right.

*sends invoices to all the jerks from my past that I keep thinking about*

Not to brag but I also decided not to run today.

I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake

Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”

Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise

“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies

My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.

we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.

therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session

[house hunting]

Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy

HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on

i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.

-kids

If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.

[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]

Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?