Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.

I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are

As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”

ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*

HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you

ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this

I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used

A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.

OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.

Whenever you feel like the world is falling apart, take a deep breath and remember you’re right.

Once I shot a man with a paintball gun, just to watch him dye.

every Crock-Pot recipe:

– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low

Passenger announcement: This is for a Mr Torris off the Barcelona flight, a Mr Clee Torris. I’m trying to find a Clee Torris. If anyone knows where a Clee Torris is, please let me knoCOLIN YOU BAST…

“How old are you?”

Things you say to your third child.

Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos

I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”

LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.

DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.

My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.

Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.

This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”

Apparently the other 2 become immortal.

[Commercial for narrators]

Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS

Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.

ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”

BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…

“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out

If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.

Being a parent:

Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing away Anything, Ever. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican druglord ….

Hahahahahahahaah.

Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”

7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?

me: i guess so

7: and because she likes books?

me: um…yeah

7: but at least she’s pretty right?

me: …let’s watch moana instead

Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?

Wife: Can we eat outside?

Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.

My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?

People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are

Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep