Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.

police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.

When a kid is mean to my kid…

(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness

(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS

I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.

Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?

Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.

Dora: *stares blankly*

Me:

Dora:

Me:

Dora:

Me:

Dora:

Me: *nervous sweating*

Dora: that was my favorite part too!

Me: Oh thank god

Sometimes I think about when a woman told me I did it the easy way having twins and I didn’t kick her in the crotch.

{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!

my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point

My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.

Me: But she’s the right kid?

Wife: Yes. But…

Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.

Wrong hole! It’s too tight!

-me putting on my watch, you pervs

Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”

Hey Australia, who won the election tomorrow?

People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.

After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.

I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.

[Bedroom at midnight]

*scary noises*

Husband: is… is someone in here?

*demonic sounds from the closet*

Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore

*sad demonic noises*

*orders pepperoni pizza*

Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.

*calls back, adds mushrooms*

I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.

‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.

DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac

DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go

DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*

Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.

The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.

Do you like vampires?

🟩 Nosferatu

✅ Yesferatu

A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.

4-year-old: What’s that?

Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.

*eats her bacon*

The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath

My favorite part of Twisters was the throughline about the storm chasers being altruistic, ditching science to help people, like for instance telling them to go the opposite direction of the tornado, or find shelter, or “get down.” Where would these Oklahomans be without them

Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer

Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia