Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.

my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after

I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.

Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before

5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?

Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.

Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.

Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.

Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.

37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.

I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.

The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.

i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs

When people talk about someone who died, they’re always like “They had the biggest heart, they would have done anything for you,” but I feel like when I die they’ll be like “She would sometimes text you some halfhearted advice.”

Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF

Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]

Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME

Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.

My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.

If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.

I finally confronted the person that’s eating all my snacks at home, bro had the nerve to hide in the bathroom mirror.

I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.

COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist

ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead

PICASSO: I got this

Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.

Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him

My day planner

1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep

Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.

Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?

– everyone

date: i love mussels

me: i hate working out

date: i mean from the sea

me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman

Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.

Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier

Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel

Why are ranches the only house with their own condiment? I demand bungalow sauce!

I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?