please stand back I’m about to make this worse
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hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
Spring of Deception
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
The biggest problem with finding another job is I don’t want one
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Getting left on read really gives me perspective on what Nigerian princes go through
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day