please stand back I’m about to make this worse
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[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
my uncle was kicked out of the army for eating too many spider webs
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.