Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That took me a moment.

i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand

My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.

Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old

😐

I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up

[Throwing a ball for my dog]

Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though

I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.

If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.

[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs

I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic

Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.

*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*

You’re free now

Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE

My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.

I almost dropped my Walkman.

Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”

Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”

Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.

My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.

When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”

My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward

Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.

You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:

Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet

10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house

Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her

Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?

Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really

Me: why are you on her laptop?

Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now

Just remember, you can’t please everyone.

So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.

there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company

[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]

Me: ya know you can fly !

Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination

I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself