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in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
Word.
~ Microsoft.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
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Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle