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Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Adding, “I’ll tell you THAT for free…” leaves the door open to sending an invoice at other times.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
God: [inventing a tiger] ok so this is gonna be a cat who eats frosty cereal
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now