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My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
“You’d better run, egg!”
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”