Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
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it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
The walk of shame takes on a whole new level when it’s the morning after a Halloween party and you’re dressed as a Ninja Turtle.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Doctor: I’m diagnosing you with onomatopoeia
Me: what’s that???
Doctor: exactly what it sounds like
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
Me: I’m going to eat healthier this summer
*temp reaches 95 degrees*
Also Me: ice cream for dinner it is
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
