Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
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Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
The worst part about getting sucked up by the tornado you’re filming is to die knowing your wife was right. You are an idiot.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
Trains are just sideway elevators.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
why we do always assume Pat is short for Patrick when it could also be short for Patatouille
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox