Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
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They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!