Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.

I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with

starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks

Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.

Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.

I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.

Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?

Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?

I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision

Penguins walking in 5x speed

I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening

Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him

If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.

If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.

I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.

I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.

[Maroon 4 meeting]

Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”

Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”

Adam: “I’ve got it”

“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”

*Go to a bar you Hate

*Put $50 in the Jukebox

*Play nothing but Nickelback

*Leave

I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?

Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.

When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”

I know this now.

I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.

Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake

My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.

Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.

I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.

CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions

My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.

When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.

My six year old has recently discovered the existence of “opposite day,” and in keeping with the theme let me just say I love it. It’s a lot of fun.