Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
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[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
Investing in beetcoin
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
Thanks to my fear of the Duolingo owl, I’ve been practicing my French for 300 days!
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Someone in their late 20s giving advice to someone in their early 20s is exactly like when a toddler is obsessed with a newborn
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
