Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jeff Bezos this morning:

“Alexa, end my marriage”

Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.

Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.

Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.

Doc: Stop eating pizza.

Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.

If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie

guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!

Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?

So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?

I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.

My husband found a deal on golf shoes from a Facebook ad. He was so excited bc they were so cheap. He said, “Can you BELIEVE this price?” I said, “You have to be careful of those ads, a lot are scams.”

That conversation was 8 months ago and those shoes are still in transit.

[at dinner]

Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.

Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?

(simultaneously)

Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!

I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.

My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age

My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.

Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.

Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.

Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.

Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.

Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.

My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.

GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up

ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.

Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.

DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?

Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft

If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”

You can avoid every meeting.

You’re welcome.

(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.

If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.

I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it

Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.

I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.

So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.

Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice

[later]

Date: hi
Me: 69

-Come on, it’s time to go

-No

-We are going to be late

-I hate school

-But Mum, you have to take me!

My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”