Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
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Bold of you to assume I have the energy to even climb a hill to die on.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.