Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
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turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
This is what happens when people grow up without watching Final Destination.
Me: Can I leave work early?
Boss: Only if you make up the time
Me: Ok, It’s 45 past 60
DOOO EEEET
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
[God creating octopus]
Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks
God: Crap. What’s left?
A: ink & suction cups
G: Hmmm..
Filling my pez dispenser with ibuprofen for whimsical pain relief
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.