Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
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Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
You’re so vain. You probably think me being in this tree outside your house is about you.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
excuse me
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Surprised my wife with freshly washed towels. She didn’t ask for it but when she opened the linen closet four towels fell on her
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
I enjoy a good short stor
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
Meow
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.