Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]

Me: This is absolutely magnificent.

[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]

Me: This is pretty alright I guess.

Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.

Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.

Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.

ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down

THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap

Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair

“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”

😂

Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’

Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’

Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’

I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.

Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”

Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!

Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.

At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.

CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.

ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?

CEO: [under breath] Genius

Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.

People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.

*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”

If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.

My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.

I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.

I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now

Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?

I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.

If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”

He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.

I sat back and watched it all unfold.

My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.

kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can

My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.