Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
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Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
hmm conte-me mais
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Bootstraps
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
My 9yo wanted to be a doctor but now he wants to be an Australian breakdancer. Thanks, Olympics.
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up