Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No

I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.

Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.

My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them

Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here.

Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.

dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy

Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.

[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent

INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars

I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.

I was getting my mail today and my neighbor asked me if I was gay and I was like “what?” He said he was only asking because of my rainbow lanyard and I was like “oh no it’s much weirder than that.”

50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.

How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night

*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.

Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.

Therapist: How are you feeling?

Me: Rage

Therapist: What is bringing you rage?

Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.

Wife: I want to see some snow.

Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.

Wife: I’d rather see snow.

Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.

[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]

Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!

This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.

[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]

Are you sure you’re ok?

To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.

You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”

our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk

*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!

It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.

Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.

*People do special things for my birthday*

Me: Oh thank God.

You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.

My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool

Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?

Me: Yes

(No they had not)