please stop calling 911 when you see me dancing. i’m fine!
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We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
I needed a laugh this morning.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got engaged, broke up, married other people, had children, reunited, got married, broke up again, and I’ve been single that whole time.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
I don’t know how to explain it, but sometimes cheese just falls into my cart at the grocery store.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
The first one, obviously
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
“I’ve never wished a man dead, but I’ve read some obituaries with great pleasure.”
— Mark Twain
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Start every phone call with “My battery is at 5%” so you can hang up whenever you want.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.