please stop calling 911 when you see me dancing. i’m fine!
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I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
taking one edible and remembering my high school locker combination then taking a second edible and forgetting how to multiply by six
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Knock Knock
Get Daft Punk to make a comeback for the finale then they fly up the Eiffel Tower and one of them takes their helmet off and it’s Celine Dion and the other one takes their helmet off and it’s also Celine Dion
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
fly smarter, not harder
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead