Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind

Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages

Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs

I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.

Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”

[planning a family vacation]

Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.

Kids: Yayy, cool!

Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?

M: About 45 feet, I guess

W: I despise you

Lmao 🤣

Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport

[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]

person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops

“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”

(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here

My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.

date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist

Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…

Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.

My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.

can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)

We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?

[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy

“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds

THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have

[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it

I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.

Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.

Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.

I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.

*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”

“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”

Midwesterners: hold my beer

You can only regret what you remember.

-Tequila

If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.

$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguents

I’m barely getting by.

[my future self comes back in time]

HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years

ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me

You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.