Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!

I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”

Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!

I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!

“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid

Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.

You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?

Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.

just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused

Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?

Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!

I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.

No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.

[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU

[1st day as criminal sketch artist]

Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….

Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper

Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.

I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.

Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.

HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE

Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!

I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*

Surgeon: You should be asleep.

Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”

There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.

I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife

Me: How do you like your new bed?

Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!

Me: What?

Dog: Wut

Me: whaddu mean “no”

Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”

I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.

I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”

To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”

A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀

Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.

When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again

My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.