Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
You Might Also Like
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
I have to tell a client that the ship carrying her countertops is being held up by pirates and it is too early for this right now
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
I feel like one of these would kill a European
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast