Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
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saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account