Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
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BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
My main takeaway from The Walking Dead is that you can eat the eight-year-old canned food that’s in the back of the pantry.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
This is hilarious….
Put a ring on it
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
oh u like history? name everything that happened