Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone

This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.

Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No

I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout  was crying

Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?

How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.

When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.

Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.

8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.

Me: You’re holding nunchucks.

8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.

As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”

Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?

Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs

If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.

Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”

long distance relationships can work if the 4 of you all truly trust each other.

Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING

Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.

Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.

Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?

Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?

Someone: wanna hear something interesting?

Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO

Me: sure

Anxiety: you brought this on yourself

Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps

Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.

my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look

I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!

[Friday 5pm]

Me: *shutting down computer*

Computer: have a good weekend 🙂

[Monday 8am]

Me: omg you’re still on

Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this

I SAID YES!!!!!! 💍🥂🥳🎉 i asked myself if i wanted a breakfast burrito.

just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch

90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.

“I can’t wait to nail you later”

*whispers to the new picture I just bought*

Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers