Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

boss: you’re late

me: and you are not the father

God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”

Angel: We’re out of human heads.

God: “Hand me a pineapple.”

Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier

7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?

Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”

Me: “Bet.”

Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.

Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.

When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute

Wizard: [holding a marshmallow on a stick]

Dragon: ok fine but this is the last one

Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?

Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’

Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?

Once my toddler became OBSESSED with the pink Amoxicillin. She LOVED it and WANTED it

I put it up HIGH on top of the HIGHEST counter

She stood motionless, staring up at it for a good 5 minutes

Then I started to hear furniture moving

So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.

All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.

[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction

There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”

Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.

After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.

*flips bird*

*buys another bird with the profits*

[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]

my phone: spam risk

A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.

Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.

Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway

People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-

Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered

Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?

Him: It’s five dollars.

If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.

Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats

If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2

this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what

Instead of a tweet up,

I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains

You know…

A Couples Retweet

My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???

if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins

“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression

Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.