“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
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A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
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Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
I don’t need a participation trophy. I don’t want anyone to know that I was here.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
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We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
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I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Gemma Correll
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mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
If you know, you know
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My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]