please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
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“You don’t feel well? Pfffft you just don’t want to come over”
Me: fine! I guess I can die just as easy at your house as I can my own
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
groan^2
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
It’s cool, I don’t know why I’m still talking either.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
bringing 3 beans to the state fair so I can use them to barter for cows
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]