Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.

OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!

-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.

Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.

Me: You mean a day?

Scientist: What?

Me: What?

host: name a famous tattoo artist

me: *buzzing in* abraham inkin

Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed

Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about

coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad

i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.

It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.

I am a bear.

If hiding things in the trash from my kids were an Olympic sport, I’d be a disgrace to my country.

I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.

[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs

[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me

I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.

6YO: My tummy hurts

Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate

6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy

So what does everyone do with their dryer lint

me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.

refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES

Why is bacon called bacon and cookies called cookies if you cook bacon and bake cookies?

I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)

When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me

Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life

I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.

Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style

lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up

it was a valiant fight

Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America

everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no

Him: So tell me a little about yourself.

Me: But this was going so well…

My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of

While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️

My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.