Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
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Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
Van Gone
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
checking my bank account to see how ethical i want to be with my egg purchase
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
I’m not climbing a hill if I’m dying. That sounds terrible. I’ll die on this chair. Drinking orange Fanta.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.