Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
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*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
Me: Do you have a Summer menu?
Waiter: We have a menu at all times of the year. Otherwise people couldn’t select food and beverage options.
Me:
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
I’d like a food blog without recipes. Just stories of self-empowerment that somehow lead to butternut squash risotto.