Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.

Me: Got it.

[Later]

Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-

Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.

Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD

Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.

~Me to me

When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother

Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist

imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now

Responding to any and all emails with ‘wow ok’

*walks into a restaurant*

Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.

Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card

The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.

When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces

You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.

ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat

MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done

Me: McDonald’s aren’t the only ones with a golden arch

Guy at urinal next to me:

My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.

WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?

ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools

Round 2… FIGHT

– me, handing one tablet to both kids

[movie theater concessions]

Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.

Kids: POPCORN!

Wife: seriously!?!

Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.

LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.

Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”

pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere

According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame

Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?

Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.

T:

Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…

Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.

Duolingo getting serious.

My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”

I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.

Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.

You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.

Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.