Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend in Austin was at a bar and saw this.

Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?

You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.

Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost

Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator

Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!

love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.

Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?

God: love it, it’s done!

[3 days later]

Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?

God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.

I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”

Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.

[Arby’s]

Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all

Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when

💀🤣

Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME

My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager

Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.

So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.

I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.

My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills

I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality

Me: I’m gonna make you groan!

Her: you mean moan?

Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

5: mom, are you a grown up?

me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?

5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?

Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth

I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.

Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.

I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy

It’s 6am somewhere!

~Toddlers waking up at 4am.

Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.

british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?

british guy: tea

british waiter: jolly good choice

[both laugh britishingly]

[trying to get a massage]

How much for a happy ending?

“Sir, this is a library!”

*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?

I’m that bored in the house 🥺

#lockdownextension