Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.

me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth

The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them

me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money

me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one

You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.

I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.

He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.

For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”

If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.

Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*

If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.

[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”

Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything

10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.

Me: It’s 6 am.

My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.

Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*

I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG

I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.

3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?

*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”

You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough

Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s

Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly.  Should have taught them to do the same with people.

I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.

(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY

My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”

imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies

“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything

Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath

Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?