Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
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This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
I like to listen to the national anthems during the award ceremonies. I’m into country music.