Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
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massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
I hit a curb and my 7yo said, “that curb hit your car.” You know what? I agree because that curb attacked us. It came out of nowhere.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
I had two werewolves inside me, but I lost them both, so now I have wherewolves
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
I’ve been threatened several times, shot at once, and had a gun pulled on me 3 times, and yet I’ve never been intimidated by anyone except this damn toddler
My dating profile:
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-