Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.

My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful

Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.

I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.

You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.

I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”

Her: I’m an only child

Me: There are literally billions of children

“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”

Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart

marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad

ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs

Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm

james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on

Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.

“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.

Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.

No one:

My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree

Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune

TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade

I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.

Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.

I faked a smile and gave him a bite.

Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.

I have no wife.

Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?

Me: Yes, socks

Toddler: No!!

Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND

I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.

People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.

that would 100% work on me

Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.

*a snake wearing one skinny jean*

“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”

Going to work bro it’s Wednesday

At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”