Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
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Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough