Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*

EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?

Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava

Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”

If you love someone, tell them.

If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.

Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.

Hear me out – fortune hotdogs

Mom: Want to come over for dinner?

Me: No thanks, already ate

Mom: What did you have?

Me: Peanut butter

Mom: With?

Me: Spoon

Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*

Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*

How to make it rain:

-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”

These work great until they don’t.

Had to submit an essay, in order to graduate. It was a write of passage.

I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.

If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”

Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)

Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff

Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”

A GPS. But for where your story is going.

Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …

I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.

the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person

A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!

So I killed her.

The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.

Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.

[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*

captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals

crew: I I captain

they should make a thing that holds your tweet that you typed up for 27 minutes and then sends it to you and you have to affirm you actually want to post that thing you typed up 27 mins ago

Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings

Me: too boring, right?

Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop

The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi

Well. That’s not a good sign.

Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.