If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
You Might Also Like
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
I’m giving up for Lent.
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.