Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
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Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
hey boy are you the sun because you were a big part of my life this summer but now i feel like i never see you
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss