Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m having a bad day!

Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.

Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.

Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”

So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.

I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid

[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.

People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”

TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:

1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie

Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.

EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?

Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.

My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.

When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.

And they do.

And I am.

roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”

Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course

GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use

Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.

Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard

Her: Okay

Him: You don’t mind?

Her: Nope

Him: Great

Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce

Him: You’ve made your point

How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.

“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”

Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.

I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.

SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener

[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip

I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults

*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”

Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.

Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.

me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*

Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.

People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.

I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.

I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.

i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit