Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
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I hate when people stare at me during sex. Like, seriously I don’t know you.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
my retainer gives me the weirdest lisp
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
Her: Choke me!
Me, sexual deviant: Hands her a couple of buttermilk biscuits.
I was annoyed that a book I needed was checked out from the library, and had been for a long time. I finally got fed up and bought a copy online. Organizing my office a bit this morning I realized that I was the one who checked it out from the library.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue