@woodmuffin

Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him ūüôĀ

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@novicefather

“Homie don’t fleek doe,” I say to a group of teenagers, hoping it means something.

@AbbyHasIssues

I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.

@CrabbyDaCrab

Being an adult is pretty easy. You just feel tired all the time & tell people about how tired you are & they tell you how tired they are.

@trojansauce

[watching lion king]
TIMON: hakuna matata
ME: *whispering to date* that means no worries
TIMON: it means no worries
ME: see?

@NotEthanSmith_

Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?

Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault

@AdamBroud

*Sees ant carrying a leaf that weighs 3x its body weight*

Wife: Can you imagine being that strong?

Me: *Picking up leaf* Yes.

@goulcher

social media jobs be like:

Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?

Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business

£13k, Slough

@TheBoydP

How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?

Men – 2

Women – 1,768

@BuckyIsotope

SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*

@sageboggs

The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad