Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
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Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Hey! This isn’t my car!
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-