Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
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As a kid: I can’t wait to stay up late and no one can tell me when to go to bed
Me at 41: ope my fitness device just said it’s bedtime. I better go.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?