Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
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Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Okey dokey.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
The Sun
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
I have an actual woodpecker in my backyard and now I can see why these guys had so many problems with Woody. I wouldn’t throw a grenade at him or anything but I might if I had one
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
Me: We are underbudget this month!
Dog: *eats kid’s retainers*
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe