Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤

I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”

Her: Was your child gifted?

Me: No, we had him naturally

“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???

Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce

I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.

7 year old: two of the boys at school were executed for fighting

me: you mean ‘expelled’?

7 year old: I’m pretty sure about this one, dad

How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?

“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.

Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.

After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.

If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.

*first day as a lawyer*

Bailiff: All rise for the judge.

Me: *too lazy* Objection.

We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.

ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.

TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.

ASSISTANT: Like who?

TRUMP:

i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt

Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit

One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.

Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.

Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.

there was a fight tonight in ~hot sculpted yoga tonight bc one girl took another girl’s mat and it ended w the first girl *flicking the other girl’s forehead* after the teacher saying “don’t do it..don’t do it…DON’T DO IT’ and when she did it the whole class collectively gasped

Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.

Harry Potter at an interview

Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.

Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects

Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again

Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears

Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”

I’d rather you didgerididn’t.

“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.

HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.

ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!

7: [eating a bunch]

me:

7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.

me: that’s a good way to put it.

What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?