Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
You Might Also Like
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
@ candidates for local office
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Fact: If you bind together the receipts of things you buy in an airport, it makes a tiny book that tells the tragic story of how you have no money anymore.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
long distance relationships can work if the 4 of you all truly trust each other.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on