Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?

[A few hours later]

Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*

Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.

ME: *tying hotdogs together*

Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?

Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!

Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.

Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.

Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.

Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.

I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.

Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.

I thought you were going to take my taco.

My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”

[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me

Today I’m golfing.

Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.

Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.

Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.

Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT

Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.

Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.

In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.

(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?

No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂

*later to thugs* They know too much.

A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream

Runner: What’s your fastest race?

Me: Taking the trash out at night

Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.

I used to be afraid of death by spontaneous combustion until my wife reminded me I’ve never done anything spontaneous in my life.

Why you should stop “liking” posts on Twitter…

3. Boring
2. Weak
1. They’re now invisible

Why you should start replying with “this pleases me” instead…

3. Enigmatic
2. Suggests people should curry your favour
1. It’s what Alan Rickman would’ve done

[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop

Always a metermaid never a meter

I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.

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HEYYYY MACARENA

me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining

agent: what’s it called

me: Actually Love

Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.

Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz

I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.