Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
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I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
bury ourselves
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.