Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
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Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Get this comic as a limited edition art print, signed by both artists, printed on archival Bamboo Giclée paper from Hahnemühle.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
Damn girl, are you the majority of the American population? Because you look like you could use a high-speed rail
When someone gives me a compliment I never know what to do with my arms.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Never skip the footnotes – it’s here you find out who made the author angry enough to write the article.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.