Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
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What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
you aren’t “dehydrated”, you have attachment issues and you were denied water as a child
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store