Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.

Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”

My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”

trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month

I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.

[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”

*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*

“Oh.”

[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*

Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”

Me: “Feel?”

Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement

October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.

Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is

Whoa look at the moon it’s huge!

Phone camera: lol is it?

Enhanced interrogation idea:

If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.

I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.

*swipes right by accident*

Him: You’re not really my type.

Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.

My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.

It’s an onion.

My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.

Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die

Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots

Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”

Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.

What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.

I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”

Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.

Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?

5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.

I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ

When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.

ME: my mouth is all itchy

HER: were you in the attic again?

ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?

HER: I’ll speed dial poison control

Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it

International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.

[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]

Server: Sir, please

Me: I didn’t say when yet

This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.