Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
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Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
Cats are so graceful and light-footed.
[Cat tiptoes down the first half of the stairs and falls down the rest]
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
Admin smashed it 😂
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.