please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
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Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
anyone else’s big brother text them like an unwilling roadman situationship
Each time I type “love you,” my phone changes you to Roy. So, I just want to say…Roy if you’re out there, make yourself known, because my phone has a mad crush on ya.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
I was getting my mail today and my neighbor asked me if I was gay and I was like “what?” He said he was only asking because of my rainbow lanyard and I was like “oh no it’s much weirder than that.”
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.