Please stop selling drugs behind the store. Out front will attract more customers.

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Looks like Brenda in Accounting drew on her angry eyebrows today…


I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.


Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*

Cashier: you must be single?

Me: yes, lol. How did you know?

Cashier: you’re ugly.


My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.


If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately


[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now

“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”


I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself


I apologize for referring to your newborn baby as a Questionable Spinoff


WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals