i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
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My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.