Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows

If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child

The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.

I think I look pretty okay for my age. It’s just when I hold menus two feet from my face that I know the ruse is up.

Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.

[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt

“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.

I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.

Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.

ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down

THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap

Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?

[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this

gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse

-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-

i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.

I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.

There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.

Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling

Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?

Me: You have those here?!

Me: Im still mad at you for last night

Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous

A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.

My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.

[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”

Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.

From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.

My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.

The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN

Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.

SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have

SCOOBY DOO: rabies

SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant

Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.

Raise the bar ..?

Like, go and drink upstairs ..?

I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes