Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
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me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
no. that was two husbands ago. my great, great ex husband
son: *counts to ten*
wife: good job
me: (smugly) eleven
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
i could never be hannah montana because i would take one hit of a joint at a party, turn to the person closest to me, and immediately go “i neeeeeeed to tell u something”
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.